When to Submit and When to Quit!

Revisiting the Vacation from Hell

Family Dysfunction leads to Destruction.

Just how bad can it be when your spouse struggles with maintaining strong boundaries?

A few years ago the entire family decided we would travel up north to visit Grandma, Christopher's Grandma. Christopher & his Dad, pretty much entirely his Dad, planned the complete trip. Christopher drove our mini-van with Carissa, in the car seat behind her Daddy, her Auntie D (Christopher's Sister) at Carissa's right, and me upfront in the passenger seat. Dad (Christopher's Dad) drove Christopher's Mom, two siblings, one friend, and himself in the other car. Dad planned out everything. Departure time from his house, gas stops in between which was the only time when we would stop to go to the bathroom, and only one meal break, all so that we could maintain a very rigid scheduled time. This over controlling behavior happened on the way to grandma's and coming home from grandma's, and the entire time we were visiting grandma.

This is bad enough, but it gets worse. Carissa was under 2 at the time, recently achieved potty training, and was only wearing a pull-up diaper in case of an accident while traveling. Well of course the inevitable happened, Carissa had to go potty before one of Dad's scheduled stops for gas fill-up.

Here is where it all went wrong. Christopher asked if his Dad, or anyone else in his Dad's car needed to make a stop? They said no.   When you put your statement in the form of a question you are you are giving others the opportunity to make decisions effecting your life.  Some decisions in life need to be made without the impute of others. Our decisions are not based on other people's approval, they are based solely on what GOD would want us to do in a given situation. Again Christopher asked a question, Can we make a stop, because Carissa has to go to the bathroom? His Dad complained about how the unscheduled plan would put us behind schedule, and that he wanted to get through the pass area by a certain time, etc. Meanwhile, a little toddler in the back seat is desperately pleading with her Daddy, and saying she has to go potty.

Now I am stuck in the middle, my hubby is honoring and submitting to his Dad's horrible decision, and saying that we are not going to pull over, and Christopher is now making a terrible choice by agreeing and supporting his Dad's horrible decision. As a Christian Women we are taught to submit to our husbands, but what if the very thing they are doing is harmful?

Christopher tells Carissa to go in her pull-up diaper. Now it is one thing if your child has to go potty, and you can't pull over, but it is a completely different situation when your child has to go to the bathroom, and you wont pull over. Imagine the confusion of mixed messages, and internal stress that causes a little girl. This entire time we have been telling her how important it is for her to control her body functions, to use the toilet, and how she has become a big girl, because she uses the potty, and now her Daddy is telling her to go ahead and wet herself.

I was sick to my stomach, everything inside of me was telling me that what my hubby was telling Carissa to do was wrong. However, I enabled his terrible decision, and I submitted telling Carissa, go head honey it is okay to go potty in your pull-up diaper. Then the Holy Spirit said STOP. So I said, Wait a minute, told Christopher to pull over at the very next exit. He said he had to tell his Dad first, I said, NO you pull on over, and Dad will figure it out. Carissa needs to go potty right now, so pull over right NOW.

As I grab Carissa's pink plastic potty, I see that the bathroom is far away, so I get her out of her car seat, place the pink potty down, and she uses her potty just in the nick of time without a second to waste.

To make matters even worse, I hear my hubby apologizing to his Dad, and the others in the car for having to make an unplanned stop and slowing everyone down.

We get back on the road, and resume our travels. Eating the snacks in the car for lunch and taking the scheduled stops for gas fill-up. I reminded everyone that Carissa will try and go potty at the scheduled gas fill-ups, but if she can't go she can't go, and if she has to go later before we will stop even though it is not scheduled. Eventually it becomes dinner time, and I see Carissa is fading fast, and she is going to fall asleep soon without dinner. I tell Christopher we need to stop for dinner, so that Carissa can have a regular healthy meal before she goes to bed for the night. Of course this did not line up with what Dad had planned. He wanted us to pull through a drive though, yet the only ones we saw coming up were fast food, and not healthy choices. Of course, Christopher is once again caught between honoring and submitting to what his Dad wants, or what his family needs. There was some disagreement between Christopher and I and we eventually pulled over for dinner.

We told his Dad to travel on without us, but they decided to join us for dinner, yet they were not going to eat because they were not hungry yet. We had to agree that we would stop, and join them when they were ready to have dinner. We agreed, and said we will have dessert when they have dinner. By the time our dinner arrives, of course the others are now hungry, and they order what they want, which the cook has to fix, and it prolongs the process, and slows us down even more. Had they ordered when we ordered they would not have slowed us down.

Since they now decided to eat dinner, and we were not going to stop again later Carissa and I decide we will have dessert. Christopher's Dad says it has to be something fast, so we can get back on the road as soon as the others are done eating. The Bible tells us to honor and respect our parents, but we are not to be their puppets that they can control and manipulate to do anything and everything they want. We do have the right to have a mind of our own, and choose what kind of dessert we are going to eat.

Christopher supports me and tells me to order what we would like, so I order the apple cobbler ala mode. Dad is very grumpy, and I watch others in the family trying to tell him to just drop it. Carissa is sooo very tired, I take her to the Ladies' room, and get her ready for bed, come back out to see Dad still upset as ever, and I have no appetite to finish the dessert. Christopher noticed that I only took a few bites, and says, Are you sure you are done? And I say, yeah I am done for sure. We get back in the car and I explain how all this Family Dysfunction has not only destroyed my appetite for dessert, but this has been noVacation, and instead has been a trip to Hell.

As Christian Men and Women we are taught to honor our parents, but what if our parents are dishonoring our spouse?

As Christian Women we are taught to submit to our husbands, but what if what they are doing is harmful? What is a good Christian Woman to do?

Turn to GOD and His Holy Word.

This explains why a man leaves his father and mother, and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Genesis 2:24 (NLT)

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother, and be united to his wife. Mark 10:7 (NIV)

For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife and they two shall be one flesh. Ephesians 5:31 (King James Bible)

When our husbands are going against GOD, doing or asking us to do something unrighteous, unholy, and harmful, we do not submit we quit. We continue to be submitted to GOD, and if our husbands sin against GOD, we do not enable his sinning by also going against GOD, and submitting to an unrighteous and harmful decision/person.

Last night Christopher and I Revisiting the Vacation from Hell, and discussed how the long-term effects of him being the adult child of an alcoholic has taken a toll on our marriage and family. We talked about how his Family of Origin's Dysfunction is leading to his Family of Creation's Destruction.

Christopher realized how he has sinned against GOD by failing to protect his family from harm. Christopher is getting professional help to break the Legacy of Dysfunction. Christopher and I are also getting marriage counseling to help heal the damage and break the dysfunctional patterns. Christopher & I hope that in sharing some of the details of our struggles it may help others.

And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21 (NLT)

And Sisters in Christ, when your hubby is not submitting to GOD, and sinning against GOD by making choices that will bring harm to you & your family -- Don't submit, Quit!

When the leader of the family has broken boundaries, and is driving his family off the cliff,  --Don't submit, Quit!

Pay attention to the warning signs otherwise it will be Destination Devastation.

May the Son's Light help you avoid the pit falls, keep you safe, and direct your path through the Wilderness and into the Promise Land.