Monday, June 6, 2011

To Everything There is a Season (Turn, Turn, Turn)

GOD'S Time is Perfect. At Church for the past few weeks our Pastor has been speaking on Ecclesiastes. Today was on Ecclesiastes 3 which the Famous 1960's Band the Byrds turned into a Song called Turn, Turn, Turn.

"Turn! Turn! Turn! (to Everything There Is a Season)", often abbreviated to "Turn! Turn! Turn!", is a song adapted entirely from the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible (with the exception of the last line) and put to music by Pete Seeger in 1959. Seeger waited until 1962 to record his own version of it, releasing the song on his The Bitter and the Sweet album on Columbia Records.[1] 45% of the royalties for the song are donated to the Israeli Committee Against House Demolitions, because, in Seeger's own words, "[in addition to the music] I did write six words."[2]The song became an international hit in late 1965, when it was covered by The Byrds, reaching #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and #26 on the UK Singles Chart. Thus, the song easily holds the record as the #1 song with the oldest lyrics.!_Turn!_Turn!

Today at Church our Pastor spoke on Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a Season for Everything. To Everything there is a Season. During our Pastor's Sermon he explained how there was a Season and a Time for Everything, Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Our Pastor explained during one of the comparisons that there was a Time for Speaking Up and a Time for Remaining Quite. It is not always easy to know which we are to do. Thank the Lord for the Holy Spirit that we have a Helper through prayer we gain the Gift of Discernment to determine when we should Speak Up and when we should Remain Quite.

Warning, both Men and Women strap on your Spiritual Safety Belts, because this is not easy to hear for either of us.

Pastor gave an example of Marital Issues where the husband knows he has messed up, but his wife keeps going on and on and on complaining, "nagging", and lecturing -- been there & done that! It is so true, no Man wants his Wife to act like his Mom. I totally get that. Our Pastor was speaking from the husband's perspective and he made a very good point that our complaining, nagging, and lecturing does not make for a Happy Healthy Marriage.

Our Pastor spoke from the Husband's point of view, and admitted that after a few times of the wife "nagging" the husband just tunes us out and our voice falls on death ears, so we are literally wasting our time. If we stop to set our egos aside we will allow the Holy Spirit to convict us on our Communication Skills. Keep reading Ladies! 

Since our Pastor's wife did not speak from the Wife's Perspective, I would like us to now Turn! Turn! Turn! and look at this very same Marital Situation from the wife's viewpoint. When only one perspective is presented we are left with only half the story, and an incomplete understanding of the entire situation.

I have a background in Social Psychology Experimental Research with the focus on Interpersonal Relationships, so when I look at a given Social Situation I ask myself, What is the Cause and Effect? In this Marital Situation the Effect we are talking about is the Negative Effect a complaining, nagging, lecturing wife has on her husband, their Marital Relationship, and the Family Dynamic, because let's face it a child watching Mommy nagging Daddy is not good for the child to witness. We definitely know that this has a Negative Effect on Everyone involved, including the Wife who is complaining, nagging, and lecturing.

What is the Cause of the Negative Effect?

A Husband does not want his Wife to act like a Mother. . . and a Wife does not want her Husband to act like a Child. Simply put, It is the Husband's irresponsible childish behavior that causes the Wife's nagging Motherly behavior. It is the Husband's Bad Listening Skills that CAUSES the Wife's Bad Communication Skills. Again speaking as a Wife, we don't start off frustrated & nagging, that is the End Result from Multiple Requests for a Changed Behavior (i.e., Could you please put your dirty socks in the dirty laundry?). It is only after Repeated Requests have been ignored that it sends a Strong Message to the Wife and tells her that I don't care enough about you or respect you enough to fulfill this Simple Request. Therefore out of frustration and resentment from our Husband hurting our Heart we resort to complaining, nagging, and lecturing.

I want to quickly recognize and address the 10% to 25% of the General Population that are Toxic People. Research shows, along with my Personal & Professional Experience that 10% to 25% of our General Population are Neurotic, Narcissistic, Pathological, Toxic People who feel good when they make others feel bad. These Toxic People lack empathy and remorse and because they actually enjoy hurting others they do not repent. They are what the King James Bible Refers to as the Reprobate, and what other Bible Versions refer to as the Unrepentant Sinner. This will be the topic of the next Article, A Time for Letting Go, which Pastor Rod courageously mentioned in last Sunday's Service. On the top of negative nagging People there are those, both women and men, who are negative & nag for no reason. These People are mean and actually enjoy hurting others. Nothing & No One causes them to be mean, they just are. If you feel that you are married to such a person pray to God to confirm that to you. In prayer we will discover whether or not there is a Cause to our Spouse's or Loved One's Negative Toxic Behavior. We must pray for discernment to determine whether or not we are in a Normal Imperfect Relationship or in a Toxic one.

Now back to a Normal Imperfect Marriage. The Husband feels & is greatly effected by the Wife's angry words, but behind the angry words is the Heart of the Wife that her Beloved Husband has hurt. We think that since my Kind Repeated Requests were ignored, and had Zero Effect, then our Kindness was viewed as Weakness, so now if we speak with Frustration & Anger that will be a Language our Husband will Respect & Respond to. And let's be honest, Husbands do respond to the Wife's Frustration & Anger by doing the Behavior Change. . . at least for that Moment and for a short time that follows. You would think this would make the Frustrated Wife Happy, but it doesn't. It actually often has the exact Opposite Effect and makes the Wife ever MORE Unhappy & Frustrated. Men are completely confused. After all our Husbands are Finally doing what we wanted. We got what we wanted, so that should make us Happy. But it doesn't. Why Not? Because it Reinforces us and proves to us that a Wife's Gentle & Kind Words will be ignored by the person she loves the Most in this World, and her Husband will Only listen when she gets Angry, which breaks the Heart of a Wife.

Husbands love your Wife like Christ loves the Church. Our Poor Communication Skills is the Effect of your Poor Listening Skills, which Caused the Situation. If you would Respect, Value, and Treasure our Kind & Gentle Words, then you would NEVER hear our angry words that is shielding our Heart that you have hurt.

In Conclusion, If you don't want your Wife to act like a Mother, then don't act like a Child. I pray that both Wives & Husbands will allow the Gentle Spirit to convict and heal our Hearts & Minds, so that Husband & Wife can be Loved & Respected by one another. Let's ask each other, Can we do a Do-Over? Can we stop the Negative Behavioral Pattern & Dysfunctional Dance?

Today is literally a New Day, the beginning of a New Week as I post this at 7 minutes past Midnight. Today is a New Beginning to Happy & Healthy Communication with our Spouse, our Best Friend, and our Soulmate. Let's ask each other for Forgiveness. Let's have Empathy, Understanding, and Compassion for our Spouse's Perspective. Let's feel the Hurt & Pain we caused our Spouse, both Wife to Husband and Husband to Wife. Let's have such Deep Remorse that we are moved to Repentance. Let's pray that God not only Restores what has been Damaged, but actual Transforms our Marriage to Better than Before.

Let's vow to one another that From this Day Forward:

Wives say to your Husbands: From this Day Forward I choose to Forget the Past, because I Forgave you, I know you Love & Respect me and my Heart is Healed. From this Day ForwardI know you will Treasure my Gentle & Kind Words, so that I don't have to be hurt and speak in Anger & Frustration anymore.

Husbands say to your Wives: From this Day Forward I choose to Forget the Past, because I Forgave you, I know you Love & Respect me and my Heart is Healed. From this Day Forward, I promise that I will Treasure & Protect your Gentle & Kind Heart. I will guard it and not hurt it, so that you no longer have to speak in Anger & Frustration anymore. When you lovingly remind me that I am not listening, I will stop and listen to you, because nothing in the World is more important than my Wife who God has blessed me with.

* Please feel free to modify your own Vows & Promises to one another to make them Personal. Then call up Grandma and Grandpa, drop the kids off at their house, go to the Restaurant you had your First Date or your Favorite Restaurant, and spend the Evening Enjoying one another. May Each of you as Individuals and a Married Couple be Greatly Blessed. And may you enjoy the Experience of SuperNatural Sex with one another.