Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Where did it all go wrong?


Ever experience how the enemy can turn a good intention into a bad situation?


Yup we had a blow up this morning!


Life is so very complicated, especially when you and your own family are connected to the entanglement of extended family members. In short it is hard to do spring cleaning when other people (your spouse, and our extended family members) insist on holding on to family baggage, that not only weighs everyone down, keeps everyone from moving forward, but it also can become toxic, and can contaminate what you are trying to create, nurture, and grow in your own core family unit.


From unraveling to revealing to restoring and transforming. I pray that sharing the personal details of my life might help someone else is some way. The biggest challenge Church World faces is that we have turned Sunday Morning Service, and the following fellowship time into a Masquerade Ball. Very few Christians are willing to reveal what is going on in their lives. Even Christian writers giving advice on certain topics speak in general terms. Perhaps it's just me, but  I learn best from clear specific detailed examples. 


One of my personal family mottos is that "Let's get Real, in order to Deal, so that GOD can Heal, and Reveal. GOD has Great Plans for all of us. We are not to pass down from one generation to the next the Dysfunctional Dance that slowly Destroys Families. 


In this Season of my life a reoccurring theme is The Pruning Process. When we refuse to allow GOD to prune our lives, then we can not live to our fullest potential. Just like the Israelites, our pride will keep us from entering to the Promise Land. 


We have to ask GOD for Spiritual Discernment to determine what is dead weight, what are things we need to hold onto, and what are the things we need to prune?


This is an Extraordinary long post, because it contains all the extra details. I believe we are to share the details of our lives with one another.

This morning as I am getting Carissa's lunch ready, I am behind schedule, because I have to unexpectedly wash and dry her chapel shirt before I take her to school. So very rushed for time, not a minute to waste, and my handsome hubby thinks he is going to help by stating the obvious which triggered a revisiting discussion of a bad situation we had between each other this past weekend, due to poor communication as well as family baggage. 

After the blow up and fall out, Pride, Egos and Feelings were hurt on both sides, and hubby storms out the front door, and slams it shut as he heads off to work. 

Carissa says, "Mommy I don't like it when you and Daddy argue and fight". Now to put this in proper context, this exchange was absent of name calling, yelling and screaming. It was not a horrible event, but it was bad enough that it requires introspection, and Holy Spirit conviction.

From a wife's perspective, our handsome husbands have a very low threshold, or tolerance for our constructive criticism. Other people can be much more critical, disrespectfully cross the line, and our husbands can handle it, yet if we point out a dent in their armor, well at times all hell can break loose. I never understood this, until GOD showed me the deep desires of my husband's heart is to be my Hero. 


The movie Courageous has blessed me, my hubby, our marriage, and our family in countless ways. GOD uses the movie Courageous to reveal the desires of a husband's heart is to be our Hero, our Protector, our Provider, and our Prince. Seeing things from his perspective is something I need to keep in mind and in my heart, so that I never forget that he is truly my teammate, my best friend, my soulmate, the one GOD chose to be my husband, and my hero.


Back to the Blow Up to illustrate how satan's evil agenda is to turn a family into a foe.


My comment to my handsome hubby Christopher was "stating the obvious does not help, it actually hurts, and slows me down. It is another example of Double Thinking" Double Thinking is a term I used to describe my hubby going behind me, and re-doing something that I had done, or was in the process of doing. It is a practice he picked up as a child watching his own parents interact. In his mind he thinks he is being helpful, and from my perspective it sent me the message that what I am doing is "not good enough" a daily message I received from my very abusive parent as a child. 

As Christopher is driving to work, and I am waiting for Carissa's shirt to dry, I bet my handsome hubby and I are thinking the very same thing, about this morning's blow up. . . 
Where did it all go wrong?

I really want to create the Proper perspective, from my child's point of view she experiences and witnesses her parents respecting, appreciating, valuing, praising, and loving one another both with words and deeds on a daily basis -- most of the time, so anything out of the ordinary exchange of loving attitudes, and behaviors looks pretty bad from her perspective. 


Before I took Carissa to school as we waited for her shirt to dry I had the opportunity to explain to her, and distinguish between a disagreement, an argument, and a fight. Basically I explained to my Beauty who is in Kindergarten that when two or more people fight with one another they are being mean, like calling names, saying bad things about each other, they say horrible things, and can do horrible things like physically hurt one another. When someone says something harmful or does something harmful, like physically hurting us that is called abuse. It is not safe to be around people who are abusing one another. Mommy & Daddy would never abuse one another, that is why we don't fight.


What you saw Mommy and Daddy do was is have a disagreement that grew into an argument.

Carissa said, Mommy who is right? Before I could say well we have to ask GOD? Carissa said, Mommy both you and daddy were wrong. Wisdom beyond her years!

Yes, we were both wrong, and right at the same time. 


Back to what happened this past weekend. The miscommunication that happened this past weekend was a result from Christopher not being clear about who he was talking to, and who he was addressing his comment to. I was in the process of finishing up getting the food on Carissa's plate for dinner, and was almost done, when Christopher said, "Is that the plate you want to use, or do you want to use a different plate?" Since I thought he was addressing me, because he was standing right next to me, literally side to side, since I was fixing Carissa's plate, I naturally thought he was talking to me, and since he has gone behind me in the past to re-do something I had done, well I thought this was history repeating itself, so I said, "Don't Double Think It." 


Well my reply to Christopher did not set well with him or his Dad, which also effected me in a negative way, because at dinner Dad was very snarky, and did a covert attack by making a condescending comment to me which my beloved daughter Carissa was also hurt by the fall out. 


Dinner was very late, both Carissa and I were very hungry, I have low blood sugar which all of the family is well aware of, yet right before we all pray together, Dad decides to say in a very cold condescending way, "we never eat before we pray out of a sign of respect to GOD." Slam. Low Blow. Now I could have easily taken this time to point out many areas in which Dad has not only been very disrespectful towards GOD, but has sinned against GOD, his wife, and his children, or asked a loaded question like, Which do you thinks is more important to GOD praying before you take a bite of food, or reading the Bible which is something I have NEVER seen my hubby's Dad do EVER since I first met hubby's Dad back in 1987. Dad also does not attend Mass, only did for a short time, because Grandma, asked him to do literally on her death bed. Dad vowed to Grandma, and at Grandma's Memorial Service pledged to the Priest, and all the attending witnesses that he would keep his vow to Grandma. Well, he has not. He has broken his vow. On Sunday mornings you will find him at the Country Club. The only time he will attend church is for a special very rare occasion like Carissa's Baby Dedication, and his Daughter's Baptism over two years ago. He wont even come to see Carissa in her first Christmas Play at her Christian School, or watch her sing in church for her first Christmas performance. Well, I could go on, but I think you get the picture.


Before someone accuses me of being a disrespectful daughter-in-law, by uncovering Dad's sins. The Bible does say we are to help one another overcome sin. By covering up we can not overcome it. Dad only sees where others have made mistakes, and denies his own. 


The combination what Dad did and what Christopher didn't do (remain silent and did not defend us) would be considered "The Proverbial Last Straw That Breaks The Camel's Back". Our Husbands are our Heros and they are to protect us from the attacks of Dragons even if that fire breathing is his Dad.


I know GOD has changed me over the past 15 years that I have became a Born Again Christian. Back in 1987, or 1997 after Dad's attacking comment that I & my Daughter were doing something terribly wrong and disrespecting GOD by taking a couple of bits of food before we prayed, I would have returned an entire arsenal of Truth Fire, and there would have been a great war of words, a fight to determine who has acquired the most Bible Knowledge, who is living the most Righteous Life, who is the Bigger Sinner, etc., and that is the enemy's plan and agenda to turn family into foe. 


What Christ has taught me over the years is that GOD does not want a Religion from us, but a personal intimate living Relationship with Him. Christ does not just desire us to acquire Bible Knowledge, but more importantly to apply Bible Knowledge in a Holy Way to Bless others not beat them up.


Instead of pointing out how Dad has hurt his family, I will allow the correction to come from the Holy Spirit and my hubby. I will also use this opportunity as a teaching experience to illustrate how people attack others for having a speck in their eye when they have a huge plank in their own eye. Remove the plank in your own eye first in order that you may see things more clearly. 


In the past I would force my Dad-in-law who I call Dad to walk the plank, and kick him off our family ship, let Satan's Sharks devour him, and sail away with my hubby and my Daughter. However, I do not see things from just my perspective. GOD's Holy Spirit has transformed me and blessed me to see life from GOD's Divine Perspective who loves us all, and wants us to love one another. 


One way we are to love one another is to see life from their perspective, especially when we think and feel that the other person is totally wrong. My own parents are very abusive toxic people who cause harm to others, so I have no contact with either of them, and as a result I have no parents, and Carissa has no grandparents from my side of the family. As long as my hubby keeps his Dad in check, and things don't get worse. Then for my Daughter's sake, so that she can have a least one set of grandparents, I am seeking GOD to help heal the hurt my Dad-in-law caused this past weekend. 


Please pray for us all that there will be accountability, forgiveness, healing, and restoration, all around.

Speaking of seeing things from another person's perspective. As Carissa pointed out, Daddy is right, because he was standing next to grandpa, and the truth of the matter is that Christopher was right in the middle of his Dad and I which is a reoccurring theme from time to time if you know what I mean? 

In dysfunctional families anytime there is a disagreement, an argument, or a fight ensues, satan turns a family into foes where a battle goes on and on until one person is deemed to be Right, the Victor, and the other to be Wrong, aka the Loser. 

It is only when we turn to the Holy Spirit to reveal the Truth, so that with GOD we can turn a disagreement, an argument, and even the worst of fights into a Win-Win Situation. 


How do we do this? By sacrificing a foolish and sinful pride in the Fire of Truth, and instead of looking for People to be Right or Wrong, let's place our primary focus on the choices as being Right or Wrong, so that we can each be accountable for what went wrong, and how we will together with GOD make it Right.

Anytime we come to a disagreement we must ask ourselves; Are we going to be used by the enemy or by GOD? For GOD to use us, and bring Blessings to the Situation, we again, must sacrifice our egos and pride, and instead of fighting for principle we fight for what is Purposeful which is to bring greater understanding and growth.

Instead of focusing on what others did wrong, I need to examine what I did wrong, because the only person I have power to change is myself. The wrong choice I made was to naturally "assume" that my hubby's comment was directed to me. When we actually break down the word ass/u/me, as the old saying goes, when we assume, it makes an ass out of u and me. 


I was busy placing Carissa's food on a plate. My eyes were on what I was doing instead of looking at my husband, so I did not see that he was addressing his Dad and not me. 


I get to ask for forgiveness for not asking for clarification about who my hubby was talking to. I assumed he was talking to me, and I assumed the worst, based on past unresolved problems. I did not give my handsome hubby the benefit of the doubt, and simply ask, "Are you taking to me?"

Confusion and Miscommunication can cause Calamity. 

Are you ready to go a little deeper, and get to The root of Calamity?

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